Here is to 2018

Well if you clicked on this article to read no parts of it is click bait. Wrestling with how to even get things out clearly. How do I muster up the courage to say “I’m pregnant”. This isn’t an old photo its my current reality. Writing has always been my release,my outlet, it began with journals then diaries. For as long as I can remember I’ve been writing.

Well let me be honest I wasn’t going to tell a soul about this pregnancy. I’ll take it a step further most of my friends and family don’t even know. I really had reservations and mixed emotions. I had more anxiety about this pregnancy than with my first. With Kai everything was new I was becoming a first time mom although getting pregnant my senior year of college wasn’t ideal I was determined to prove that I could be a mom. So far I had done just that finished school and all. Then it comes to this unexpected little one.

I don’t want anyone to guess, I’ll explain from my own perspective. I was getting to the point where people would say “Oh will you have more” I’d quickly reply no. Back in August a woman came to me bashing the idea of more children marriage basically everything most woman wish for eventually in life. Once they are settled stable and married. So after that speech I wrote off marriage,love children anything other than career, God travel and Kai.More children where not on my things to do. I was in a place with Kai’s dad where co parenting was making sense we had been together five years and no signs of taking any future steps. So the idea of being a mom of only one was perfect for me and became so happy with knowing I was almost done with terrible two’s. Laughing and bragging to my friends about how I had a big boy now and no longer had to tote around diaper bags.

When I saw those positive results, I was in shock. I asked what am I going to do with a second baby? Like God I have prayed to you been reading religiously how can such happen to me? First thought was Kai like he was my one and only my cuddle buddy, laughing partner my entire world how could me and him adjust from 1-2. God showed me that everything I assumed would be a problem had already been handled. Blessings came left and right within two weeks.

Next I talked to myself like Tearua your finally getting to sleep in on weekends. What are you thinking? Your almost over the wipping butt stage, have you lost your mind? I think I cried for three days. I mean I cried until I couldn’t no more. Can I really love another as much as Kai? How will he feel? what will my future be like with two kids?

Many assured me Tearua your not alone what ever you decide make the choice that you can live with. What no one told me is that, that decision would open so many other questions.

I really feel like a new mommy all over again. This pregnancy is much different from my first or has it been so long that certain things slipped my memory. Will I still know how to swaddle? Will this child be anything like Kai? I mean a lot of things I can’t answer. This is what I can do I can plan ahead as much as I can and knock out all my 2018 goals while Kai is away and I’m still fairly not noticeably pregnant.

Then the very last thing thats been on my mind is my blog. I mean its a hobby that I some times make money from but did I really have to explain this to y’all? Did I owe anyone a explanation? Well thats a 50/50 toss up. With Kai I waited until four months in to acknowledge pregnancy via social media but I wasn’t a blogger then and there was no brand. I had to go back to my blog purpose a platform to show other young moms that motherhood is possible. I may not have all the answers but this is about to be one heck of a journey.

This is what I do know so far anything that can be passed down from Kai will be past down like the crib, any budget cuts and shortcuts will be taken. Ultimately I will not stress this time. I’m not happy or excited but I do have my faith on my side. It may be early to announce could even bad luck but I’m going to be transparent. Maybe this will help someone maybe someone can help me.

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Mommy & Kai take on Disneyland

Growing up I spent many holidays in Los Angeles with my family. I remember when we all packed up and went to Disney the only problem was I was afraid of rides and characters at the time.

My little one has had an obsession with Mickey Mouse since he could stand and we had already went to Disney on Ice countless times so what was next? Disneyland. Off we went on a 6am flight landed at LAX breakfast then on to Disneyland. What was even greater is that our tickets to the park where free talk about a savings and they came with fast pass so no waiting in line.

The park had plenty of rides for my little one who is thirty five inches tall. From turkey legs to the tea cups we had a blast. So much of a blast I looked into his stroller at only 7pm and he was sleeping mouth open and all.

I left the theme park with memories to last a life time. To see his smile and him jumping for joy was well worth the exhaustion that my body is feeling right now. Now we are on to Knotts Berry Farm to see Snoopie.

Back to Happy

Sometimes you have to step away and evaluate yourself, your goals and future. Every time I stepped away and looked at my life the word HAPPY continued to come to mind. I was seeking happiness in every area of my life career, family, body and relationship. I decided to break them down one by one.

Career

I’ve been at a company for several years that I’m not happy with. I’ve left came back and left , and came back AGAIN. It’s like a dysfunctional relationship with a man. The job isn’t hard I sit behind a desk for eight hours a day and then I go home. I’m paid little to nothing constantly forced to adjust to changes which is fine because I’m quick on my toes. I feel that I’m not using my skills or in the right field. This job was supposed to be something temporary to take care of the bills and maintain work while in school. Now its more like I settled. I’m currently dressing for the job I want and not the one I have. As well as perfecting my resume and putting my best foot forward.

Family

When it comes to family I’m just a little to trusting and forgiving. My heart is way to big I’m guilty. I let family move in with me trying to lend a helping hand and these were relatives I hadn’t heard from in fifteen years. Once I decided that it was hindering me more than given me a family bond I was seeking I gave them a date to move by. They left peacefully and I haven’t heard from them since so I’m guessing maybe in fifteen years from now they will reach out to me again and trust me that door will be closed. Now I will build stronger bonds with the family who have always been around, who make an effort to be in my life.

Body

It’s no secret I’m not happy with my current body. I weigh more now, than during my pregnancy with Kai. I blamed birth control which was not only reason for the weight gain. The other reasons are poor dieting, stress and lifestyle choices. I’ve spent more time focusing on how far I have to go then just starting. Even with my pregnancy I remained active and in the gym, so if I could do it then I know I’m capable of doing it now. I plan to enroll in boxing, as well as commit to working out three times a week and eating healthy.

Relationship

I have been with the same man all of my 20’s. I have grown, I’ve changed and I learned how to love. I must admit there where ups and downs but I wasn’t happy at the current state of things. I felt like the hamster on the wheel going in the same circle over and over with no more growth. I understood his point of marriage after success but what we’re working towards to reach success. He would say that I’m just trying to rush and shack up but when I logically ask myself is five years really a rush. I know my grandma didn’t raise me to be a forever girlfriend. So I decided to walk away, jump off the hamster wheel and try something different. I wanted to be content with my decision to walk away from all I’ve known. I would never give a man an ultimatum if you haven’t seen the potential in me in all those years then I may just not be the one. We will remain friends and co parent but sometimes people have to grow apart.

Ultimately happiness comes from within. If I don’t find a better job it’s because I wasn’t looking hard enough, If I don’t lose the weight its because I wasn’t working for it, and if I don’t get married its because I refused to settle for just anything just to change my last name. All in all when it comes to happiness first you have to change the things that make you unhappy. One by one and I trust everything will fall into place.

Mommy Maintenance

Before having Kai I was that girl who would never leave the house in sweats. Hair would be done, closet stocked with garments ohhhhh how have things changed. I will run out the house in yoga pants and a messy bun in a min. The one thing I couldn’t cut ties with in my maintenance routine is my nail spa days. It has been one of my favorite places my entire life. I feel so relaxed calmed and at peace. I prepare days before going to Pinterest to find the color and shape that I want to try next just gets me excited. Below I give my me time tips and tricks.

  1. Making time I usually find the time to go to my nail shop during the week after work while the toddler is at school, It gives me a much-needed break before I’m back in the world of MOMMY
  2. I take my iPad I could be watching Netflix or Hulu, or even reading
  3. I don’t answer my phone, I think its rude to my nail tech as well as this place is the most peace and quite I get for the week.
  4. THE MASSAGE – You know I’m paying extra for more time, I haven’t gotten a good sleep since 2014.

For me my safe haven may be the nail shop for you it could be the gym, library or something more simple like a glass of wine when the little ones are sleep. Finding that thing or place that allows moms to break free and relax for even just a second is necessary. I’m guilty of letting myself go in many ways after having a child. Motherhood can be overwhelming and demanding don’t be afraid to award yourself every once in a while. Until next time.

Yasss…They have kids too

Being a mother comes first in my life. I mean as soon as I wake and my feet hit the ground I’m in full mommy mode. So it comes to no surprise that my social life is non existent. I get invited to many blogging events and most aren’t kid friendly and just conflict with my mommy schedule. I work full time so after work its time to cook, clean and prepare for the next day. Then weekends are split between birthday parties, toddler events and SOCCER, yes I’m a soccer mom.

Well some how me and Lami became Facebook friends through mutual friends and she said she wanted to start blogging. Well you know me I was like go for it honey. Blogging is therapeutic as well as a way to start a mini business. I’m all for seeing other woman win. Well fast forward her blog @themillennialmuva launches.(Which is amazing please check it out). She starts a Instagram chat of beautiful talented black woman so that we can build a sisterhood and collaborate. Wednesday she suggest we all meet up and I say lets all go to Jupiter. Jupiter is a really good modern breakfast place in the Sugarland Square.

As meet up day approaches I’m running out of babysitter opitions. I decided Kai will have to go with me. Not knowing how others would feel about my active two year old joining our evening brunch. I waited until the day of to announce that I was bringing him along. To my surprise other woman in the chat replied “I’m bringing mine to” it was such a relief to hear I could have twerked. So now I’ve charged every electronic device, packed snacks and grabbed anything else that could possibly entertain him and we hit the road to get to the brunch. I knew with Kai coming I’d need to get there early settle him and have like a 1-2-3 talk “Don’t embarrass me, unless you want a pop pop”. In walks Shawna so I immediately introduce myself and apologize for my toddler running wild we had been placed in  private room and Kai was burning off energy. She didn’t seem to be bothered as the table filled with beautiful faces in walked Chenelle with her adorable two I leaped for joy like “Yasss I’m not alone”. Shawna was so sweet organized all the kids to one side of the table. Lami and her two came and were seated we had a full on party.

Somehow even with the children there with us they were not a distraction. We even forgot they were there. The TV was purposely changed to Disney. We sat at that big wooden table for hours just listening to one another’s goals and visions. We where productive holding each other accountable for what we want to do how to get there.

Towards the end I glanced over at my sleeping child and he had spaghetti sauce all over his face. Seemed like no one noticed which was hilarious. I cleaned his face and continued in conversation. Then as we left and went our separate ways I was driving home to nap of course and hit me. We all came together learned each others strengths and weaknesses as small business owners all down to encourage, lend a helping hand in any way possible. We all live busy lives weather we are students, moms or work multiple jobs but a few things were made clear you have to be determined to win every day, the desire to win has to mean more than desire to take easy routes. But you truly win, when your whole team wins. Who cares if we have kids that not going to stop us and the fact that I found woman who don’t mind kids and some even have children of their own I’m forever grateful for.

In conclusion “Who ever said you can’t have it all, must not have been a mom”.

Why I regret saying “I want a BOY”

They say be careful what you wish for or you just might get it. From childhood I would always say “I want my first child to be a boy”.Even when I got pregnant my first thought was I hope and know that this child is a boy.

img_0831-2Modern day we even throw gender reveal parties to announce the babies gender before arrival. Cute and catchy themes like tutu’s or football’s.

I remember the day I found out the gender. Impatient at 13 weeks I paid a specialist to do a gender scan and 3D DVD. Well after 2min the specialist said “well this little fella isn’t shy it’s a …….Boy”.Instantly I cried tears of joy, I skipped right over a gender reveal and called everyone to announce the news.

Everyone congratulated me saying boys are the best. Their easy to raise but hard to shop for. I thought of all the sports he would play even went as far as selecting a future jersey number.

We began to select names, buy clothes and even decorate his nursery. As a first time mother I was excited I felt prepared reading all the books taking parenting classes. We would talk and try to guess who he would look like and act like.

Which brings me to my biggest regret. Now that I’m a mother and I’ve changed thousands of diapers, nursed him, watched him take his first steps and so much more. It hit me I prayed specifically for a boy selfishly. Why did his gender even matter. I should have been more focused on having healthy child.

Now that I’m a more seasoned parent I can say I’ll never put so much energy on a specific gender. Being able to naturally conceive and carry a child to turn is a journey, some never get that experience. I’m more than thankful for where this journey has taken me and honestly with the next little one I rather the gender be a surprise. I encourage everyone to understand if you have a boy a girl, if you carried naturally, had in-vitro or adopted each child/baby is truly designed and intended for you no matter the timing or the gender. I love my son unconditionally not because of his gender but because he the very best part of me.

hoUSton August 28

I must admit that this is something that you can’t prepare for, something you could never guess was coming. To see a city that have grown to love over the past seven years under water still doesn’t feel like reality. Not being able to go to the grocery store, school or down the road due to flood waters. Hearing tornado sirens all through the night, the amount of uncertainty that we’ve experienced these past five days. Being a young mom to a toddler and remaining calm in the situation but I’m forever grateful.

 

To see a family with a young child carrying everything they own in a pack and play my heart broke into pieces. I will never take the simple things for granted. Which brings us to today we have gathered our family we will volunteer. We will help in any way to rebuild our city and we will continue to pray. Yes many can not donate this we understand but if you can pray or even be a helping hand. hoUSton will show this country how to come together no matter race, ethnicity or sexual orientation. For all those who have reached out thank you.