In my transition into motherhood, it felt like I lost parts of myself. I’ve heard that’s pretty common. But now it’s happening again, and I’ve found myself feeling completely caught off guard. I thought going through such an intense transitional shift was something that only happened when you first become a mother. For some reason, it never occurred to me that it could happen again with subsequent pregnancies. This has put me through a whirlwind of emotions since I got pregnant again.
Before I got pregnant I only just started feeling like myself again. Or, at least, like my new, whole self. I hadn’t felt so secure in my own skin and mind since before I got pregnant the first time. I hadn’t started to feel anywhere near like myself until I stopped breastfeeding my son at 13 months. Then I got pregnant again a month before his second birthday.
It felt like it took so much work in those 9 in-between months to start feeling good again. And then, suddenly (or not so much since this pregnancy was planned, but still) I was pregnant again and started feeling less and less like myself by the day. It wasn’t until my doctor diagnosed me with depression that I realized what was even happening. But once I did realize it, it was clear as day. I’ve been feeling that transitional shift again. It feels so similar to last time.
It feels like certain parts of who I am are being pulled away from me. It feels like, once again, I’m opening up to make room for new parts of myself that will be discovered in the trenches of motherhood. It feels like I’m back at Square One in my journey to self-discovery, just when I felt really confident in who I had become.
It’s so strange because the fundamentals of who I am are still there, but everything else has either been pushed aside or pulled apart or taken out of me completely. I’m left feeling confused and lonely and, most frustrating of all for me, an inability to picture what the future might hold for me as an individual.
I know I’ll be a mother, and I love picturing that part of my life. But I don’t know what’s in store for me in terms of career, how I’ll be changed as a person, what my life will really look like on a daily basis. Will I ever feel true fulfillment in all areas of my life? Will I find my way to my new self, and if I do, will I feel confident in who I am? Will I love who I am the way I did before? These are the questions that flood my mind as of late.
But when I really stop to think about it, most of those worries fade away. I think these are natural concerns and questions to have when you’re at the beginning of a new, life-changing journey. This is a perfect time for me to practice acceptance and trust. I need to accept that I am going through a period of growth as a person, even if these growing pains are incredibly painful. And I need to trust that I will find my way to myself, because I have done it before.
Every hardship I’ve had in my life gave me the strength to pull through the last time I felt this way. And if I ended up in a place where I felt good after the dark, deep, transitional shift I felt after having my last child, I know I’ll be just fine. I just need to give myself time, give myself the grace to grow, and give gratitude for the process.
I felt more confident than I ever had in my whole life during those months between breastfeeding and pregnancy, and I am certain I will reach that point again. It may not be until I’m done breastfeeding my next son, but I’m sure the wait will be worth it.
Shedding your old self and evolving into someone new seems to be part of the deal with motherhood. But I would bet, more often than not, that evolution leads to someone even more amazing . And that’s the mom tea.
With love,
Jennelle