I met another pregnant woman at the park today. We got to talking and she opened up about how proud of herself she was for staying “body positive” throughout her whole pregnancy. My initial thought was, “Wow, good for her!” And that’s what I told her. I wondered, though, how she managed to do it. Body positivity for me, during this pregnancy, has been a constant uphill mental battle.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, this pregnancy has not been easy on me mentally and emotionally. The second I got pregnant I felt like I was thrown out of my body and into a foreign one. The first trimester brought me constant nausea and intense food aversions. The second brought me sheer exhaustion. And I’m about to enter my third looking more like I should be at the end of it. I started showing early this time, right at the end of the first trimester. I thought it would be fun to have a bump for longer. Instead, I’ve just felt uncomfortably large for my size.
“Wow! You look huge!” A bullet for body positivity during pregnancy
My belly didn’t “pop” until about week 24. Once it did, everyone and their mother couldn’t help but tell me how “huge” it looked already. And they still do. Almost every day I get a comment from someone or other about how big I’m getting. My body positivity dwindles a little more each time I hear it.
It’s weird because last time around I took this as a great compliment. I loved hearing people say how big my belly was, how much I had “popped out,” and how they thought the baby would be at least 8 or 9 lbs since I looked so big. But this time around, it feels different. With the exception of some days here and there, I haven’t felt comfortable in my skin at all for the last six months.
I know that people are trying to compliment my pregnant body, but I don’t feel like just my belly is huge this time. I feel huge! I know that’s necessarily true since I’ve gained a healthy amount of weight so far, but I just feel it all so much more this time for some reason. I feel the extra blood, I feel the extra weight, I feel how full and round my entire midsection looks. I just feel flat out uncomfortable. For the past month I have worked so hard on my mental health to get myself out of this funk. Especially since this is my last pregnancy, I want to enjoy it as much as I can!
Opening my mental health toolbox
I’ve been very diligent about doing things that I know improve my mental and emotional well-being. I’ve been taking a walk in the sunshine every morning, working out a few times a week, and eating less sugar. And it has been making a difference. I have felt so much better, and it’s made it a lot easier for me to be kinder to myself. I haven’t felt beautiful or sexy by any means, but I have felt comfortable with my body. I even feel pretty, healthy, and strong a lot of the time. All of that has felt so great.
One beautiful dream and I feel great
Last night, in the middle of my poor-quality sleep, my brain decided to deliver me one of those extremely vivid pregnancy dreams. You know, the kind that feels so real that those feelings stick with you for the rest of the day. I get them all the time, and they’re usually super weird. But this time it was really beautiful.
It was about my husband and I falling in love for the first time again. For some reason, we were going to be separated soon, so we spent every second together. We were so into each other and in love and not wanting to leave each other’s sides. It’s not far from how our relationship usually is, and it felt so amazing. I woke up feeling so good about myself and about us. That feeling lasted for a few minutes in the morning. I looked over at my husband and felt so grateful for him and the relationship we have. Then our son sat up and said, “Mama, I have to go potty.” “Okay, buddy, let’s go.”
But then…
When we got into the bathroom, I caught my reflection in the mirror. In that moment, the leftover high from my dream leapt right out the window. After feeling so confident and desirable and like my old self all night long, I had forgotten how different my body really is right now. I damn near said it to myself right there in the mirror. What I’ve grown to hate hearing over the last few months. “You look huge!” “You are getting so big!” I was instantly thrown right back to square one of all that hard work I’d done to improve my body image. It felt like I got punched right in the gut. Honestly, it made me want to cry a little.
I went the rest of the morning feeling badly about the way I look. Even worse, I fell into a real shame spiral about letting myself get so affected by something so trivial.
Getting back to body positivity
I forced myself to do my routine as usual, and it did help. As I walked and soaked in the sunshine, I decided I was not going to let this ruin my day. The only thing on the agenda for the day was to get some good, quality time with my boy. There was no reason to let those negative feelings spoil it. I knew I probably wouldn’t feel great, but I could at least do my best to not feel terrible or let my emotions spiral out of control.
I remembered my list of things that always make me feel good. A walk in the morning sunshine, check. “Next,” I thought, “I’ll make sure to have a blood-sugar balancing breakfast. Then, I’ll treat myself to some cold brew coffee on the way to the park with my boy.” I did those things and more. I tried to keep my blood sugar balanced all day, did a workout when I could (which wasn’t until 5 pm), and did some deep breathing every time some negative, intrusive thoughts crept in. They all helped a lot. I was able to keep myself floating above water without spiraling into the depths of a shameful emotional vortex.
Less than great, better than terrible
Today was not the most amazing day, but it was not terrible. Today was fine, just fine, and I am okay with that. In fact, I am grateful. It could have been so much worse if I had let it. I’m grateful to have had all of those things in my toolbox, but damn, that was a hard day emotionally.
I guess some days body positivity is feeling great in your skin and telling yourself you look amazing. And other days it’s doing constant mental gymnastics just to feel okay with how you look as your body uncontrollably changes before your eyes.
And today, that’s the mom tea.
With love,
Jennelle